I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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