last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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