I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
