im having a threesome with these popsicles
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
