I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
