you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
