Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
