I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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