I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
