I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
