Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
