the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
