Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
