He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
