So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
