I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
