just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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