Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you made out with another girl for some wings
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
