haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
