Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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