New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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