I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
