hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
