My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We have so much sex to catch up on
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
