sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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