I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
