That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
