recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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