he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
