I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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