the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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