Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
