He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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