Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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