Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
