Princesses don't give blow jobs
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We have started to decorate penises.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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