I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
