can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
