so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
