surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
