Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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