The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
where are you?
Hypothermia
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
