Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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