You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
