I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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