My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Vodka?
Forever.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
