Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She made me pour olive oil on her.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
