either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
