i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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