Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
