I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
